Warrior Nose

I went to an outdoor Adventure Camp called the Enlightened Warrior Training Camp for 4.5 days.  As the name suggests, it is a camp to help uncover the inner warrior. I can say it worked.

Let me start by going back to the beginning.  I went to the camp last Sunday afternoon.  I was sitting in my friend's car and I was soooo scared to go.  I was crying.  He didn't see me though because I had my sunglasses on.  I didn't want him to see.  I was terrified.  I knew nothing about the camp.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  All I have heard about this camp was that it was amazing.  That it pushed you far beyond what you thought possible.  And that scared the shit out of me!!  I also was terrified to wear my nose.  I gave my word that I would but I wish I hadn't at that moment.  I didn't want to wear it.  I was more frightened to wear my nose at the camp then any other time.  I thought about that and I think it was because I was actually going to get to know these people.  Spending 4.5 days in a very intimate setting with them. They weren't going to be strangers walking down the street who I would never see again.  These people would SEE me.  Get to know me.  My inner voice was screaming that they would think I was weird.  Crazy. Stupid.  That they wouldn't like me.  I got out of the car and dragged my ass to my tent and cried a little longer.  I really didn't want to put my nose on.  I was really contemplating not wearing it, and tell you all they wouldn't let me....or lie and not wear it and tell all of you I did.  I couldn't lie to you.  Actually, I couldn't lie to myself.  I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye if I had lied to you all and myself.  I gave my word.  Dammit!

So, I put it on. I walked to the food tent.  Got some food.  Sat down and felt like vomiting.  Almost immediately, someone came over, sat down, looked me straight in the eye and asked "What's your story?"! I explained the project and they said they loved it!  I breathed a little deeper after that.  I talked with a few other people and they loved my nose too.  After eating I was walking to my tent and someone else smiled, then laughed, opened their arms and said that he had been waiting for me all day.  He wanted a hug from a clown!!  Deep breath.  So, I thought it might be ok.   As soon as I got back to my tent though, I took my nose off.  I was still really scared and didn't want to go into the meeting tent with 365 people wearing it.  But then someone who saw me at dinner asked why I wasn't wearing my nose.  They said it would be a great time to wear it with everyone.  So, I put it back on, but for only a few minutes. A few hours later we got into groups.  Our tribe (we called ourselves “Fearless Hearts”) spent the rest of the week together.  We had to stand up and introduce ourselves.  I choose to put my nose on at that time.  This is part of who I am and if I wanted them to get to know me, they would have to see all of me.  Some people in the tribe smiled and said they liked it.  A little bit later I got up in front of the whole camp (365 people) for an exercise and I didn't die!!  I let myself be seen.  It was a great ice breaker for me!

For the rest of the camp I wore my nose to breakfast and/or dinner.  Everyday the conversations in my head quieted down a little while the conversations with people got louder.  I had so many people come and talk to me and ask why I was wearing it.  I had people ask me where my nose was when I wasn't wearing it and why wasn't I wearing it all the time??  I had people tell me to wear my nose so they could find me later in the crowd. Someone said that I wasn't fully dressed because I didn't have my nose on.  People told me they didn't recognize me without my nose on.  I had people walk by, look at me and touch their nose as recognition of who I was when I wasn't wearing it.  People didn't know my name, but they know me because of my nose.  A guy named Bob (who was my tent neighbour) was holding me accountable...he asked where my nose was and said that I had to wear it once a day!!  Other people who didn't see me with my nose on for a couple of days came up and asked why I wasn't wearing it every day!  "I love seeing your nose" was a very common comment.  A lady asked me why I was wearing my nose and so I told her. She laughed and said that she thought that maybe I had a nose operation or had a deformed nose and that I was wearing the red nose to cover it up!  What thoughts we think!!  What stories we make up!!  I had another lady tell me something very personal.  Something she said she never tells anyone and she thinks she told me because of my red nose.  She didn't fully understand why she felt comfortable, but I told her that the nose gives the wearer and viewer permission to be/do more then they normally would.  She smiled, gave me a hug and said thanks. My heart opened a little more with that conversation.  That is why I wear my nose.  That helped ground my purpose for the project.

During the course there was lots of talk about standing in our own power.  To open/expand our heart and shine our light.  To be SEEN!  To say "Thank you for sharing" when a negative voice starts to share its nasty thought.  To feel the fear and do it anyway.  If you feel uncomfortable it means that you are growing.  So....with this project I must be growing as I am wwwwwaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy out of my comfort zone.  Even now.  But that is the point isn’t it??  To break down my barriers and let people in, connect and to shine my light.  This camp put me way out of my comfort zone.  I was pushed out, full force into the unknown.  The camp was a metaphor to life.  How I showed up there was how I show up in my life.  My eyes were opened.  I learned how to become more grounded.  To clear away the darkness and bring in the light.  I am strong.  That is another huge discovery I made this week.  I am strong.  Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.  That is new for me. Thank you to all of you who I met at this incredible camp.  You were a huge part of my growth, expansion and transformation.  It was truly an amazing experience.  I can’t tell you more as I don’t want to ruin the surprise for you if you choose to do it.  Even if I did tell you exactly what I/we did, you probably wouldn’t believe me anyway.  

Something else new in my life is a man.  Mike. He is awesome!  I met him 5 days after I started this project.  I remember our first date.  It went very well so we decided to continue it.  He came to watch the fireworks with me and my friends.  I told him about the project and that I would be putting on a red nose.  He laughed and said ok.  I put it on and he smiled.  He thought it was great.  No weirdness, no judgements.  He accepted me.  I have worn it with him many times now as we are getting to know each other.  I love it when he kisses my nose!  He holds my hand and walks with me and lets me do my thing.  It was interesting this past Friday and Saturday.  I went up to Whistler (that is where he lives) and I was of course going to wear my nose there.  I was a little nervous to wear it outside of Vancouver...not sure what the reaction was going to be outside the city I wear it in!!  We went into the grocery store right below where he lives.  No one really noticed.  We went into the liquor store and some young guy said "Sweet nose!  Does it come with a bottle of free booze!!???"  I had to laugh at that one.  The next day we strolled through the village.  We went into a metaphysical store and the lady who worked there smiled and said " Aren't you fun!!  It is great to have the inner child smile and play!!"  That is what this is project is about...giving myself and other people permission to smile, play and connect.  Then she said something so awesome!!  She asked "Have you been on Oprah yet??"!!!  Love it!!

While walking I noticed that many people in the village didn't notice my nose...or chose not to notice my nose.  Mike even mentioned it.  He noticed that people were not aware of much of anything around them.  They seemed to be in their heads.  He liked watching people's reactions when they did see me...people smile or turn away or do a double take.  He said that when he walks with me when I am wearing my nose, he is more aware of other people and their reactions to me.  He said he is out of his own thoughts and head and is out "there" with other people. He also mentioned that he was aware of being a little "hesitant"  to have me walk around "his town" wearing my nose.  It is a very small community and he knows many people there.  He was wondering how people he knew would react to me and him.  He noticed that, and then he said he shifted it.  He said who cares and let that go.  He said he did see a few people he knew, but that they didn't even see me!! Ha!

It has been a great week.  A huge expansion of myself.  I found her…the warrior within.  And by the way…she loves wearing the nose!